Spent a Little Time On the Mountain

Things are winding down at work - people are mentally checking out in anticipation of the last real holiday weekend for months - so it's a good time to gather my thoughts at year's end.

A large, strong basket is required, as always; I have a lot of thoughts. Not all of the highest quality or durability, mind you, but plentiful.

This year had some terrible moments. Let me get that out of the way first. Last March, I lost another close friend, by his own hand. It was so shocking to me that I felt that I had gotten knocked into a different universe, a much harsher, weirder one. This dislocation was made worse by our deepening money worries and the unavoidable harshness of physical aging. There were some days that it took every atom of my concentration and will to get myself out of bed each morning and make it through the day.

If it weren't for my wife and my children, I'm not sure I would have.

But even at the worst, there was laughter, good meals, sunlight, our garden, music, funny TV shows, great books, cute cats. And I made my way from each tiny island of happiness to the next.

The tide began to turn when, at the end of August, I finally escaped from the single worst job I've ever held in my adult life. Without exaggeration, everyone there - aside from the owner - was profoundly anxious and depressed most of every single day, and once I knew how bad it really was - when the spell I had cast on myself wore off - it was like each hour there cost me a little piece of my soul.

Anyway. Enough of that. Point is, I did escape. Is my new job perfect? Are we now financially solvent? Have we stopped aging, and has all our pain vanished? And have our lost loved ones returned?

No. At the risk of repeating myself or stating the obvious (whoops, too late), we each have to find peace of mind and strength in the simple, imperfect moments our lives are made of. And one thing I find myself proud of as I head towards my sixtieth year of this life is that I'm getting just a little bit better at that every year I manage to stay above ground.

The secret to raising children...

is still something my wife and I don't possess. And even with our youngest being 16 and our oldest 26, believe me, the work is not done. As a friend (and parent, and childcare center operator) once told us, little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.

We've been very fortunate (KNOCK ON WOOD) in that our kids are healthy, smart and beautiful (and I speak with the utmost objectivity), but before everyone's eyes roll out of their heads, they also have imperfections, they still need our guidance, and we still lose sleep over them.

We've always felt that we were good parents, because our family is close, we enjoy each others' company, and our kids have rarely if ever gotten into any real trouble that required us to punish them (again, KOW).

After having had a lot of time to reflect on this, we now acknowledge that although we work hard at being good parents and we adore our children, the extent to which they are turning out well is as much a matter of luck, of genetics and circumstance, than from any particular skill on our part.

However, there are a couple of things we've learned along the way that are worth sharing. Mind, we don't claim we invented these, or that we put them into action anywhere close to as often we we should, but that doesn't mean they're not powerful:

1) Saying No to everything - severely controlling every aspect of your children's lives - is relatively easy, in the sense that it doesn't require a lot of thought. So is saying Yes to everything. Considering every decision on a case-by-case basis, though, is much more difficult. But it's what you need to do, as much as possible.

And -

2) Ulimately, you don't have control over your child's actions or their feelings. The only person whose feelings and actions you CAN control is you. And you need to maintain that control or you won't be able to help anyone, including yourself.`

Food Fight

Writing about food is difficult, even dangerous, because most people hold extremely strong views on every aspect: What's good food? Where should we get it? How to prepare it? How to serve it? How much should we eat? Who to share it with? How to save it? And on. And on.

It may not be as inflammatory a topic as religion or politics - I think that it's a little easier to find some consensus - but the fact that it affects and is affected by just about every facet of human civilization makes it hard to even take on the topic. Especially when some many have done it so well (or at least entertainingly) for so long.

So let me start with a question: why does food that we know is bad for us - or at least bad unless eaten in fairly tiny amounts - taste so good? Wouldn't evolution have helped us develop cravings for healthy foods by now, and aversions to fat, salt, and sugar akin to our revulsion towards bitter or foul substances?

But I do realize that in evolutionary terms, we haven't had nearly enough time to deal with the results of our ability to cultivate, store, transport, and even outright manufacture food.

More's the pity.

So plainly, some other adaptive mechanism needs to be developed. But even this is beyond our ability, because even with all of the research and discussion on diet and nutrition that's taken place in the past decades, there's less agreement and more contention on these topics than on any supposedly objective discipline besides economics.

Yet even in regards to money, there are fundamentals that I don't think will lead to fistfights: Save at least a little as you go along. Spend at least a little less, especially on shit you don't need. That sort of thing.

In food terms, that might translate to: Prepare more meals from scratch, when you can. Use fresh ingredients, when you can. Eat a little less (and walk around a little more). And share your food, whenever you can. Let's start there, eh?